How to get over a breakup without losing your dignity

You’d think after surviving one, two or ten breakups, you’d be a pro at archiving the ex-beau and googling the new, you-compatible Mr. Right. But some lessons are hard to learn. We’re here to help.

Do

Cry. You’re not being weak. Someone important in your life has gone off into the unknown. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey found that emotional tears shed stress hormones and stimulate the production of endorphins, the body’s natural pain killer. Crying will subdue the hurt.

Don’t

• go crying back to him. It’s natural to want to go back to the ex for comfort–phone calls, e-mails, drunk text messaging, Facebook stalking. He always provided comfort when you were down. But asking him to help deconstruct why it didn’t work will lead to a cold response or intimacy and empty words. After some emotional calculus, you will return to grieving the loss of a former lover and best friend.

• have breakup sex or sleep around. Sex only makes you think you are distancing yourself from your former lover. To really get over someone, you need to restart your heart. Your mind knows it’s over but your heart is uploading the fact at snail mail speed. Wait for the upload to complete before you become intimate with a new hunk.

4 emotive steps

You can’t delete the guy from your hard drive. But Dr. John Grey, in his book Mars and Venus Starting Over, gives some sound advice on how to archive the ex.

1. Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, fear and sorrow. Share your emotions with your close friends but avoid lamenting on networking status updates. Seeing the carnage might make the ex feel guilty but it won’t win him back. Conversely, don’t feel guilty and try to comfort your ex. He’s not your concern. You’re flying solo now, and you must put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help anyone else.

2. Give your friends a break from your breakup woes by writing letters (that you will never send) to him.

3. Remember the positive. Go back to the very beginning if you have to, but remember the love you once shared. Doing so will help you bring love into your next relationship. Write letters to thank him for all he’s added to your life. (Keep those letters as unsent drafts.)

4. Dissect the relationship and figure out what happened, what didn’t happen, what you need to happen in the next relationship and what you need to change about yourself to make future relationships work.

Take responsibility

“Making [y]our partner fully responsible for [y]our pain causes [you] to hold on to [y]our pain until [he] changes,” says Dr. Grey. He adds, feeling hurt “is a clear indication that [you] are looking for love and support in the wrong direction.” Let go of your dependency on your ex and know that you can allow yourself to love him again without being in love with him and going back to him. Love, like women, comes in all shapes and sizes.

*Published in online magazine

Food Review

When I was in Beijing, China, from 2007-2009, I tried my hand at writing food reviews. Best Food in China used one of my reviews about a Korean restaurant called Ai Jiang Shan.

eHow.com

I am now a contributor of eHow. These were my first two articles: “What Are the Duties of an Accountant’s Assistant?” and  ”Bankruptcy and Probate“.

The Architect’s Newspaper

The Architect’s Newspaper published an article I wrote about potential new building heights in Santa Monica, California.

I’m excited about “Santa Monica Reaches for the Sky” and hope there will be many more articles to come.

I will contribute to archpaper.com’s blogs on a regular basis. My first blog concerned an eco-friendly business venture called The Green Hive and its troubles with the LA Community College District.

Neda named ‘Person of Year’ by London Times

Neda Agha-Soltan, the best-known name among those who have died in Iran’s anti-regime street protests, has been named Person of the Year by The Times of London.

Names like Ben Bernanke, Timothy Geithner, Angela Merkel and Barack Obama were tossed around as the editors of The Times and the newspaper’s writers tried to choose someone whose actions changed the world. These financial gurus and world leaders were unable to get the unanimous vote that Neda Agha-Soltan, 26, received.

Neda, a philosophy undergraduate who switched to a music degree, did not go to the polls to vote for a presidential candidate on June 12, 2009. But eight days after the election, Neda and her music teacher joined a huge demonstration in Tehran. Her family and fiancé asked her to stay home, but she would not.

“Even if a bullet goes through my heart it’s not important,” Neda told her fiancé, Caspian Makan, reported The Times. “What we’re fighting for is more important. When it comes to taking our stolen rights back we should not hesitate. Everyone is responsible. Each person leaves a footprint in this world.”

Neda certainly has left an impression. Almost immediately after she was shot, a spectator used his cell phone to record fellow demonstrators trying to save her life. This video was posted on YouTube and, as of December 29, had been viewed 745,106 times. Iran’s opposition has held up images of her bloodied face and her uninjured face alongside signs decrying Ahmadi-nejad’s presidency and the Islamic regime.

Crowds of people wearing T-shirts that screamed “NEDA—Nothing Except Democracy Acceptable” have gathered around Iranian embassies.

She transcended the narrow confines of religion, nationality and ideology. She evoked almost universal empathy,” wrote The Times in naming her Person of the Year.

The Iranian regime, the paper said, felt so threatened by Neda’s rallying power that they promised Neda’s parents a pension as long as they promised to say Neda was a “martyr” killed by foreign agents. Iranian hardliners have insisted Neda’s death was “staged” to denigrate the regime. They insist the foreign media have fabricated the Neda story for their propaganda purposes.

Neda’s mother, Hajar Rostami Motlagh, shared her outrage with The Times.

“Neda died for her country, not so that I could get a monthly income from the Martyrs Foundation,” she said. “If these officials say Neda was a martyr, why do they keep wiping off the word ‘martyr’ in red which people write on her gravestone? Even if they give the world to me, I will never accept the offer.”

The Times wrote that Neda “is a powerful symbol of one of the great events for which 2009 will be remembered.”

*Printed in the International Iran Times

Conservative Chris Plante says Obama is not doing his job

(The following was written on 23 October 2009.)

Chris Plante spent 11 AM yesterday trying to prove President Barack Obama is not presidential enough on AM 630 WMAL.

He talked about how absurd it was for the Obama administration to expend energy criticizing Fox News Channel for it’s inability to provide substantial, unbiased news. “We’re going to treat them the way we would treat an opponent,” the White House communications director, Anita Dunn, said.

He elaborated on how Obama declined an invitation to go to Germany to attend the celebration of the 20th anniversary of the tearing down of the Berlin Wall. He said Obama is barely willing to dedicate any time to Gen. David H. Petraeus, George W. Bush’s favorite military adviser and the current Central command, to discuss a plan of action in Afghanistan. Instead, Chris Plante says, Obama has “made an enemy out of a cable network, danced on the Ellen show, and taped a commercial with George Lopez for TBS!”

Plante failed to mention that Obama filmed a commercial with George Lopez during his 2008 campaign. He was doing his job as a presidential candidate. What other facts is Plante leaving out in order to prove his conservative agenda against President Barack Obama?

Aligned with Plante, Fox News’ senior vice president for news Michael Clemente said, “Instead of governing, the White House continues to be in campaign mode.”

Conservatives everywhere find any small kink to attack Obama and his ability to preside over this nation. In their complacent arrogance over the Republican Party’s ability find a more presidential president in 2012, it forgets to note that its main agenda is finding weaknesses in Obama and his actions for the next four years. This just shows how bitter Republicans are over Democrats holding majority in the House and how popular the new Democrat President is. He is so favored in some foreign countries that he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize without yet producing any results.

Republicans would better serve themselves and the nation if they stopped whining and pointing fingers at Obama. One of the reasons he is so readily available in the media, one of their chief complaints, is that they continue to place him there. Republicans need to stop being sore losers and start focusing on the issues. Four years is a long time to sit around and whine about losing the 2008 elections.

Don’t Lose Your Way in Never Neverland, China

Under the current economic situation, college graduates are having a difficult time finding employment. Some college graduates are faced with the dilemma of becoming a boomerang kid or working for a few dollars above minimum wage in a job he or she would normally have been overqualified for.

China, too, has felt this economic decline. It has moved from double-digit growth to a projected 8% growth in gross domestic product in 2009. Even though the Chinese have experienced economic unrest and factory riots in 2009, China has become a fantasyland for recent college graduates.

Some Chinese emigrated to California during the 1840-1850s in search of gold on Gold Mountain. Similarly, some American college graduates are being lured to China because of its promise of a job, decent wages, and a higher quality of life.

The Cost of Living in Beijing

Any native English speaker with a college degree could earn a minimum of ¥10,000 or $1,465 a month for teaching English as a second language in Beijing, China. Considering that rent for an above average furnished one-bedroom apartment in Beijing costs about ¥3,500 or $513 per month, that means graduates are left with at least $952 of spending money every month. A thousand dollars may not seem like much when one has to pay for insurance, gas, a mobile phone and expenses; however, $1,000 goes a long way in China.

It costs about $4.40 or less for most taxi rides in the center of Beijing. The subway costs 30¢ and buses cost 6¢. A meal can cost as little as $1.50. Imagine! No car bills, no insurance bills, no gas bills and no credit card bills (because China generally uses cash in monetary exchanges). No debt! College loans could be deferred, sometimes without accruing interest, because these graduates are not earning enough money in U.S. terms.

Freedom

Yet, freedom has its cost. Bar culture is huge for expatriates in Beijing. If females want, they could get free ladies’ night drinks at different bars every day of the week, even on Friday and Saturday.

Losing the Way

Expatriates come to Beijing for many different reasons. Some come for a job and a better life. Others are running away from something. Still others want to improve their Mandarin and learn more about Chinese culture. Some of these goals are forgotten as expatriates spend night after night stumbling from one bar to the next.

What Now?

Unless college graduates have fallen in love with China and plan on living there indefinitely, they must ask themselves what skills they are learning as ESL teachers. Being an ESL teacher is fine if they went to school to become a teacher, but not if they are frolicking in Never Neverland as ESL teachers when they intended on going into a different career path.

There are many other jobs in China, but most jobs beyond being an ESL teacher or English editor require fluency and literacy in Mandarin. Have these college graduates spent enough time improving their Chinese to move away from being a living, breathing English machine?

The Return Home

China is cheap; China is fun; China will introduce college graduates to a whole new world. But, for many, the return home is inevitable. Unless expatriates used their time wisely in China, they will find themselves back in their parents’ house, lost and jobless—right where they began minus a year or so of their life.

Girl Power: Strength in Numbers

Why do girls go to the restroom together?

There are many reasons why girls habitually go to the restroom together. Some speculate that the women’s restroom is a luxurious porcelain haven (especially when compared to their pee-splattered counterpart’s domain). Others hypothesize that women use this chance to catch up on gossip and formulate opinions about their dates or lives. Still others offer the best reason of all: women are incapable numbskulls who need someone to help them in simple tasks like unzipping their pants and flushing the toilet. Today, dear friends, I offer three more theories to this ever-complex issue.

Attention. Heads do not noticeably turn when a single girl walks into the room unless she’s an exceptional beauty. Attention is more easily piqued when a group of girls flock into the feeding grounds. The lions crane their necks to get a peak at the prey; they size them up and ration them away in their fantasies. Many women relish the opportunity for such limelight, especially those who can’t give men whiplash whenever they walk into a room. In a group gaze, all eyes may not be on this plain Jane, but she can more easily delude herself that she’s simply ravishing. The whole group restroom expedition is a ploy to feed their attention addiction.

Impression. The entrance into a social gathering, like all first impressions, is extremely important. Sometimes women don’t make the right first impression. They might not catch the eye of some dreamy Prince Charming. To remedy this gross discrepancy, women excuse themselves in order to make another entrance. With hair and make-up in check, they dive back into the fray to have another go.

Affection. Women revel when they see their own image staring back at them through the eyes of an adoring lover. Male dates generally look up from their meal to greet their restroom-returning damsels. Chivalrous men might even stand up or help the lady into her seat. Thus the number of restroom trips increases the number of endearing eye-to-eye encounters, and the need for love and attention is once again satiated, if only ephemerally.

Men, if you can: 1) refrain from salivating every time a group of girls walk into the room; 2) concentrate on the girl in front of you, and 3) shower her with more love and affection, perhaps your meals won’t be interrupted as often by the little girl’s room ritual.

* Published in That’s Beijing

Forty Winks

The benefits of work-time napping

Words start wading around your computer screen. You shake yourself awake and check the time. It’s only 2pm, which means you have a solid four or five hours before you get to slee… before you get to commute home through throngs of people and cars. Great. Time for some coffee. Or, is it time for your daily nap?

Anyone who has worked in a Chinese company is familiar with the post-lunch catnap. One by one, your Chinese colleagues doze off next to their keyboards. Some workplaces even provide sofas for their employees.

English lecturer Vivien Li said her college, the Beijing Social Administration College, allows employees to put beds in their quarters and nap every day. The college even offers dorm rooms to some faculty members so they can rest in preparation for afternoon classes.

There is no reason to use an artificial stimulant when a slight change in company policy could increase productivity and creativity through real rejuvenation. A NASA study revealed that a 26-minute nap could improve performance by as much as 34%.

According to Sara Mednick, author of Take a Nap! Change Your Life, different phases of sleep function differently in aiding your work. Within 20 minutes, State 2 sleep increases your alertness and motor skills. You experience slow wave sleep within 40 minutes; this increases your memory. Creativity bosses may have to be more lenient with their employees because it takes a solid 90-minute siesta before creativity is increased via REM sleep.

Lucas Reilly, IELTS writer for Vivid English Club, used to sneak off to the men’s restroom for some shuteye on his porcelain throne. He found that napping gave him a new perspective that helped him escape writer’s block. “I don’t need an hour to eat,” says Lucas. “I can eat in 15-30 minutes. There’s some nap time right there.”

There are tricks to napping. A 2003 Japanese study found that you could reduce fatigue by drinking a cup of coffee and immediately chasing it with a 20-minute nap. Because caffeine takes 20 minutes before its effects are felt, you wake up from your nap with a jolt of energy.

Timing is also everything. Our bodies hit a low from 1-3am and 1-3pm. Helene Emsellem, author of Snooze… or Lose! Ten ‘No War’ Ways to Improve your Teen’s Sleep Habits, says 2-3pm is primetime nap time because it fits your circadian rhythm. If you have a big meeting, however, you should sleep immediately before the meeting to ensure that you don’t start nodding off in front of your boss.

China and Spain aren’t the only countries to embrace siestas. British Airway pilots are allowed to catch a few Zs during transoceanic flights in order to be fresh and alert for landings. Nike and Pizza Hut have likewise seen positive results from some recently implemented napping policies.

Perhaps expatriates will not look at their sleeping Chinese colleagues with disdain. Napping, after all, is good for your health and good for your work.

*Published in That’s Beijing