You’d think after surviving one, two or ten breakups, you’d be a pro at archiving the ex-beau and googling the new, you-compatible Mr. Right. But some lessons are hard to learn. We’re here to help.
Do
Cry. You’re not being weak. Someone important in your life has gone off into the unknown. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey found that emotional tears shed stress hormones and stimulate the production of endorphins, the body’s natural pain killer. Crying will subdue the hurt.
Don’t
• go crying back to him. It’s natural to want to go back to the ex for comfort–phone calls, e-mails, drunk text messaging, Facebook stalking. He always provided comfort when you were down. But asking him to help deconstruct why it didn’t work will lead to a cold response or intimacy and empty words. After some emotional calculus, you will return to grieving the loss of a former lover and best friend.
• have breakup sex or sleep around. Sex only makes you think you are distancing yourself from your former lover. To really get over someone, you need to restart your heart. Your mind knows it’s over but your heart is uploading the fact at snail mail speed. Wait for the upload to complete before you become intimate with a new hunk.
4 emotive steps
You can’t delete the guy from your hard drive. But Dr. John Grey, in his book Mars and Venus Starting Over, gives some sound advice on how to archive the ex.
1. Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, fear and sorrow. Share your emotions with your close friends but avoid lamenting on networking status updates. Seeing the carnage might make the ex feel guilty but it won’t win him back. Conversely, don’t feel guilty and try to comfort your ex. He’s not your concern. You’re flying solo now, and you must put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help anyone else.
2. Give your friends a break from your breakup woes by writing letters (that you will never send) to him.
3. Remember the positive. Go back to the very beginning if you have to, but remember the love you once shared. Doing so will help you bring love into your next relationship. Write letters to thank him for all he’s added to your life. (Keep those letters as unsent drafts.)
4. Dissect the relationship and figure out what happened, what didn’t happen, what you need to happen in the next relationship and what you need to change about yourself to make future relationships work.
Take responsibility
“Making [y]our partner fully responsible for [y]our pain causes [you] to hold on to [y]our pain until [he] changes,” says Dr. Grey. He adds, feeling hurt “is a clear indication that [you] are looking for love and support in the wrong direction.” Let go of your dependency on your ex and know that you can allow yourself to love him again without being in love with him and going back to him. Love, like women, comes in all shapes and sizes.
*Published in online magazine